My Head Hurts, Can Someone Hand Me A Hangover Poti
by Gldnlqr
Summary: Recently, Severus Snape has noticed his life is going to hell in a hand basket. Harry Potter has noticed that his life is just as messed up. When the two finally get together, what can happen but sparks flying? Oh, and Ron getting slapped by Hermione, but
1. Chapter 1: Snape Writes A Letter

**My Head Hurts, Can Someone Hand Me A Hangover Potion, Please?**

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Summary: Recently, Severus Snape has noticed his life is going to hell in a hand basket. Harry Potter has noticed that his life is just as messed up. When the two finally get together, what can happen but sparks flying? Oh, and Ron getting slapped by Hermione, but that's later, kids.

Warnings: Slashyness….Slightly Graphic…ish…Hehe. Um….Craziness…sane craziness, but crazy nonetheless. No beta in sight…*le gasp* Kinda in tune with Half-Blood Prince, only in a generalized, need the plot sense. But there are several HBP spoilers, so. But other than that, forget the last book, in my world there is no last book. Oh! Snarkyness. Mine and Snape's lol.

Changes from HBP-and previous books: There was no Harry/Ginny. Love them, but sorry, I keep imagining the horrors of Harry marrying his mom's clone and my mind fizzes. Besides, it doesn't fit my plot!!! Stupid plot. Anyway, Sirius did kinda die, but only in a 'ouch, wtf, oh, hi Rem, why is Harry writhing on the floor? Oh! I said a long word! Snivvi would just die!' BTW, Remus and Sirius are currently, in my story (unsaid so far), off on a island for a long-needed vaca, banging each other senseless in a cover story of 'spying'. KK? Coolness. Harry did NOT return the HBP's potions book. This will show for a mo later. Remember! Hmmm…Nothing else so far. Maybe I'll add to later changes as my story decides to add them. K?

Pairings: Snape/Potter, also known as Snarry and a load of other things…Hermione/Ron…duhish, much? Um…Remus/Sirius. Previous Dumbledore/Minerva, previous Draco/Pansy. Others Later. Will be cool! Keep watching up here for new ones to pop up!

AN (Author's Notes): Wow. Just started randomly writing and it's already taken on a life of it's own. It doesn't wanna follow in my lead, it insists on morphing every chance it gets! At least I'm not complaining. It's kinda interesting for even me to read, at this point. I still love the title. I'd love to see if anyone can guess where it came from, lol.

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Chapter 1

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**Joke Of The Day:**

If someone has split personalities and threatens suicide,

Does it become a hostage situation?

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So hard to see myself

Without him

I felt a piece of my heart break

But when you're standing at a crossroad

There's a choice you have to make

I guess its gonna have to hurt

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side

**I guess it's gonna have to hurt-?**

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Severus Snape was having a good dream. What a shock.

**Hands roamed up his arms, and twined around his neck. Those hot lips descended upon his own and he sighed. **_**Oh, yes. **_

**After trying to devour his mouth, he then found himself miraculously on a very comfortable bed. **_**Hmmm...**_** The hands and lips traveled downward and all he could do was close his eyes, clench his hands into fists in their hair and breathe. **_**Oh...So nice. **_**He could feel their smirk as his pants came flying off and he gasped, his eyes flying open to look down. The only thing he saw before they swallowed him whole was a taunting grin and flashing eyes. **

His eyes flew open in shock and no slight amount of disgust at himself. _Could I be any sicker? _Severus mused, eyeing himself in ire. _He's only sixteen for Merlin's sake. _**Soon seventeen, **His mind chimed. But he had a retort. _Oh! And he hates me!_

He rolled out of bed and snorted as his left forearm suddenly burned. Another perfect day as a fugitive death eater, no doubt about it. All he needed now was a theme song and he'd be a bloody cliché'.

Severus strolled out of the bathroom a few minutes later in immaculate condition, as always. _Yes. Absolutely. Perfectly immaculate even when Potter almost killed me, wasn't I? _He shook his head and rolled his neck, a smooth crack sounding and he sighed, before heading out. He absently nodded at those he passed, all other death eaters, of course.

Since Albus' death, he had dramatically risen in ranks. Enough to keep his godson alive, at least, even though the brat had failed, Draco had gotten the others in. And that had saved him.

As for himself, Severus was living the high life as Voldemort's top death eater, his second hand, his trusted adviser and his master potion's maker. Which worked in Severus' opinion, as it allowed him to slowly poison the monster from the inside out. The rest was just frosting, as far as he was concerned. It allowed him to learn more than ever before, but Merlin only knew if Potter was heeding the anonymous letters he sent weekly. _Doubt it, somehow._ Maybe because so far, all his warnings had been ignored, as evidenced by the successful raids.

He reached the throne room and nodded at the guard before being let in. He bowed in front of his lord and stood tall and proud, one of the only people in the room allow to do so. His lord sat, bored, allowing his servants to make their daily reports with hardly any punishments. _He's in a good mood today. _He mused silently.

As if sensing his thoughts, Voldemort turned to Severus and nodded. Severus came forward and knelt, "Yes, my lord." He asked.

Voldemort, once Tom Riddle, smirked, "How is the restoration potion coming along, Severus?" He asked, no dramatic hiss in his voice.

Severus' lips twitched slightly, an almost half-smirk, "Perfectly, my lord. It should be completed by the end of the week."

Voldemort nodded, "Very good." He looked amongst the others and snarled, "Why don't you idiots learn? Severus at least does not incur my wrath. He amongst you all is my most trusted and he has, unlike some," With that he glanced at Malfoy Sr. "Has kept my regard of him high." The man turned monster then smiled, something ugly and yet masterful. He stood and turned to Severus. Then, in front of all, offered the kneeling man his hand.

Gasps filled the Throne room, then silence. Severus' eyes widened slightly. _What?_ **You missed a lot, while you were off in Harry Potter land, **His mind provided smugly. _Like what?!_ He found himself shocked. _Bu...uh..._ Voldemort was....treating him as....an equal?

He silently and slightly nervously took the snake's hand, allowing himself to be pulled up and to the creature's side. Voldemort then turned to the crowd, "I will only say this once." He announced suddenly into the silence. "I am aware that even with the restoration spell, I will only have at most, thirty years yet to live. Thus, I am appointing a heir." The silence turned stunned. Nothing like this had been mentioned. NOTHING. Voldemort enjoyed the stunned faced before turning to look at Severus, who looked shell shocked.

Voldemort smirked gently, "Severus," He began softly. The man in question jolted, and looked him in the eye before nodding. "Yes, my lord?"

Voldemort felt a true smile on his face, "Not your lord anymore, Severus." With that quiet sentence, he turned to reface the Death Eaters. "Severus Snape will be my heir. His will is mine and his judgments mine." His eyes narrowed, "Should any be found in any way trying to harm my heir or plotting against him, the punishment is Death." With that final announcement, Voldemort sat back down, assured that he had just reassured his name in history and his servants' shock.

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Severus fell on his bed rather ungraciously. _Heir? Him? _**No way.** His mind intervened. Annoyingly using an American term, but it actually fitted the occasion, so he couldn't find fault in it. **Well, might as well get used to it. We are screwed. Perfectly and immaculately screwed.**_ Well, damn._

**We can still kill him slowly, you know. It won't be hard. Oh! And maybe, since we are now the heir, we can take over and slap some hands and tell them they all have to be good now!** Silence. _Or we could actually do something non-suicidal and think for a moment? _**I thought we were?**_ Yes, but not rationally. I think at least one if not both of us are in shock at the moment. _**Really? That does kinda explain the light headedness. **

Severus snorted. Oh yes, he was as sane as Voldemort today. First that dream from Hades and now this. He wondered some days if he wasn't just dreaming the whole thing. From the blood oath on out. Just a dream? Or a harsh reality that would no doubt end in him getting eaten by Nagini?

He sighed and cleared his head slowly. As he sorted the day into organized sections, he wasn't surprised to slowly find himself drifting off to sleep. Maybe in sleep, he would find some answers?

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He hadn't. The next day found him writing his weekly letter. This time, he ground his teeth as he wrote it.

_**Harry Potter**_

_**You have been ignoring my warnings for far too long now. If I have not proven my worth to you yet, I do not see what I can do to prove such a thing.**_

_**You **__Incompetent bumbling idiot…__** will receive one last warning from me as to the next Death Eater Raid, at great cost to my own safety **__and sanity__**, as well as recent news that may help with your **__tiring, idiotic, but necessary __**quest. **_

_**The next raid will be the worst yet, the minor target will be Hogsmede, but the major target and my main worry is Hogwarts. In three days from me writing this, those two will be under attack by every force You-Know-Who can get a hold of. I only hope this can get to you wherever you are in time to prevent the unnecessary deaths of countless **__annoying, frustrating __**children. **_

_**My current news is of HIS heir. He has appointed himself an heir from among his most trusted servants. Severus Snape **__yours truly scared and frustrated and annoyed and horrified and desperate and…__** was appointed You-Know-Who's Successor and Apprentice. **__Merlin, help me, Harry, please. Oh…I am in such trouble and I need you…_

_**Your ever faithful,**_

_**DESALF**_

Severus sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Of course, Potter would not know what he was thinking while writing this, but by the founders, it felt good to have someone, anyone to tell about his shitty life.

He carefully touched his wand to the still-drying ink, the spells coming to his mouth easily. One to change his handwriting, one to make it untraceable, and one to make Potter the only one able to read it. He rolled it and wrapped it in soft, weatherproof leather, then tied it. He then placed this in a scroll holder. As he carefully capped it, he grabbed a small box and set the holder beside it. He opened up the box and started methodically placing potions vials carefully labeled in it. He took out the potions container section and placed several maps of the Hogwarts/Hogsmede area, along with two sheathed basilisk poison-tipped daggers. He replaced the container and closed and locked the box.

With it's fragility in mind, Severus had his largest owl carry the packages. He only hoped it would help with a fairly hopeless desire of his: Keep Harry Potter alive at all costs. Even himself.

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End Chapter One

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	2. Chapter 2: A New Point Of View

**My Head Hurts, Can Someone Hand Me A Hangover Potion, Please?**

Summary: Harry FINALLY receives the letter from Snape, but did it get to him on time? Is Harry going to try and save Hogwarts, or will all the kids die? How badly is Harry going to swear once he finds out Snape is Voldy Jr? We'll find out, won't we? Switching to Harry, Ron and Hermione's POV this time, as well as a special one at the beginning!

Warnings: Same as above. Oh, remember, Craziness! This one a bit more. I'll give you a hint. Look at the timeline.

Changes: Added a little dose of the last book. Nothing serious, though.

Pairings: Same as above. Haven't got to anything really juicy yet, okay. Give me a couple chapters, people!

AN: Whoa. Was the first long enough, everyone? Okay. Um…Chapter 2? XD

Review Responses: Only one review, dang...

Agent P: Love the name, by the way. I'm glad you liked the first chapter. I know. That line cracked me up. This is kinda one of those stories that has taken on a life of it's own...but it's cool with me. Less work that way. All I do is type and it basically writes itself...XD

Hope you enjoy this new chapter!!

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Chapter 2

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**Joke Of The Day:**

I think I'll go _Anti-Love_.

Really, who needs it?

Butterflies in the tummy and hearts skipping beats…

That can't be _safe_.

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**K-system-Guardian Angel**

If you wanna be my guardian angel

Just spread your wings

And let me see you can fly

If you wanna let me outta danger

Just come to me

And don't you ever let my cry

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Now, as it may be well aware to some, wizarding owls had minds of their own **as Hedwig proves**. And on this particular day, a certain eagle owl was about to get 'down on someone's ass'. The owl in question, Gustof, which is a heck of a name for a owl, was currently flying toward a destination that had been denied him so many times, he was getting very frustrated. The last dozen or so times, he had just headed to the last known destination of this wizard. A rather annoying place with a lot of bouncy red heads and a woman who tried to overfeed him. Ick.

But not this time. Nope. This time the brat was out in the open and he was gonna get to him before he freaking disappeared…AGAIN.

Harry Potter was about to get a delivery from Severus Snape. Or his name wasn't Gustof.

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Ron looked up at the sound of wings and looked over at Harry and Hermione. "We've got company." Ron stated casually. His friends both looked up, their argument forgotten for the moment.

The crazed owl landed on Harry's head, dropping it's packages on the way. It leant down and it's beady eyes glared at the young man. Harry nervously cleared his throat and smiled, having dealt with Hedwig so long, he knew when an owl was NOT happy with him. And this one was about ready to rip this throat out and peck the remains into vulture food. Harry cautiously reached in his back pocket and withdrew a owl treat, offering it to the owl as a peace truce. It eyed him for a moment more, before snatching up the treat, huffing and flying away.

Ron snorted in amusement, having noticed the exchange. "Afraid of a bird, now Harry?" He teased.

Harry whirled on his friend with wide eyes, "You try having that huge owl glare at you like Snape on a BAD day and see what you do. I swear it wanted to kill me." He shuddered.

Hermione laughed, having caught the delivered items. Harry and Ron looked at her, then each other and grinned. She was still giggling when she looked at the letter. Her eyes widened, "Harry." She whispered. The scroll case wasn't what was amazing, it was the box. In a neat script, it clearly said: _From Your Ever Faithful Death Eater Spy And Loyal Friend_, on the front.

Harry looked at her curiously. "Hermione?" He asked, worried. He took the items and blinked. He opened the scroll case and a obviously well-taken care of letter fell in his scarred hand. He opened it carefully, and read it, his eyes widening. His eyes darted up, surprise on his features,

"What children?" He asked, blinking.

It was true. Obviously, Voldemort or whoever had gone quite mad. In two days, there would be no kids at Hogwarts, it was the summer! Sure, maybe a few teachers, but all the children were gone. He gave a sigh. Or they had just forgotten, he thought. Still, an attack on the school WAS serious, even with no one there, really.

Hermione frowned, "What?" Harry looked at her and grinned, "They told me that Hogwarts is going to be under attack soon and they didn't want 'all the children' to die." He chuckled, "I think they and Voldemort forgot that it's Summer Vacation." He noted. Both his friends laughed.

Harry's eyes returned to the script, suddenly becoming deadly serious. His eyes lifted heavily to his friends. "Guys." He said softly, interrupting them. The two turned to him, serious. "Yeah, mate" Ron asked. Harry swallowed thickly. "Snape is Voldemort's Heir." He said softly. The statement rocked them all.

Harry glanced at the box and opened it carefully. The contents surprised him. There were several potions, some that could come in extremely handy in the following months. Everything from pepper-up potion, to a single vial of Vesteriam, to Polijuice, to Dreamless Sleep, to a couple he didn't recognize. Still, all would be very handy. He noticed a little slip, and lifted the potions out carefully. On the bottom was the real treasure. Detailed maps of the magical areas of Britain, including Hogwarts and the Forbidden Forest, as well as Diagian Alley. And two obviously prized daggers. He drew one, inhaling in shock. Engraved was a phoenix and basilisk fighting intensely. The phoenix had emeralds as eyes, while the basilisk had rubies. The work was breathtaking. And deadly, he realized as he felt the strands of magic he would never forget in the blade. Basilisk poison. Wow. This Death Eater must REALLY like him. He decided.

He re-sheathed the blade and put them back in the box, along with the potions. He was actually happy. This meant that he had someone out there who wanted him to win. Well, other than his friends, at least.

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Hermione grinned and giggled like a little girl as Ron chased her around the campfire. This had been an excellent idea, she prided herself. Right after the recent horcrux they had found, they all needed some relaxation before moving on to the next. Plus, they were also scouting for Death Eaters and another horcrux, which sort of killed two birds with one stone, so to say.

Her two companions had taken to camping with flair, finding it exciting to try and camp without magic, it had both of them swearing in moments, though, until they caught onto it from Hermione.

Harry was quite happily doing a short kata with his new pretties, Ron had been fishing until Hermione splashed him with water, her net already full of fish and crawdads. Now Harry had put away his blades, and was putting a grate over the open fire, grinning ear to ear at Ron and Hermione. Hermione ducked under a branch and dove into her tent, laughing hard. There was a polite knock on the outside of her tent and she ducked her head out, smiling. "Yes?" She asked a similarly laughing Ron. He merely offered his arm. Hermione chuckled and took it, both of them heading to the fire. Ron handed Harry the nets and Harry started gutting them, and then cooking them.

Hermione helped with the cooking, while Ron helped with the gutting. The batter Harry had made was sweet and Hermione couldn't help but sigh in pleasure later that night. She knew this wouldn't last, but at least her and her friends had had one day to be just as they were, teens.

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Ron woke up the next morning, ready to take on the world, or the next bad thing to come up, anyway. He seriously loved his girlfriend sometimes and yesterday just proved why.

They were all stressed from trying to find these bloody things without it killing them. Helga's Cup had proved that they all needed a break before the next item really did kill them.

And it was a great thing, because as soon as Ron opened up his tent, two wands in his face was a fierce wake-up call. Death Eaters had swarmed the camp, with two more at each of his friends' tent openings, waiting for them to wake up. He just hoped Harry hadn't taken off those bloody daggers yet. The fellow teen may be obsessed with them, but they might just save their lives today, Ron thought snidely.

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Harry woke up the second he heard noises not associated with the woods around them. Too many years at the Dursleys', and he knew that different sounds were bad. He had already tuned to Ron and Hermione years ago. And the forest had it's own alarm system of sorts. The sudden silence and crunch of boots made him shoot up into a sitting position instantly.

He dressed silently, much more silent than the idiots outside, that was for sure. And grabbed his wand, holster, daggers and strapped a few potions he might need on the belt that had come with the daggers. He carefully unzipped the end of his tent **something he was glad he got now, a tent with two openings** and slipped out into the woods directly behind him. He watched as they set up positions and easily took Ron and Hermione into custody, evidently waiting for him to come outside.

Harry rolled his eyes and threw a simple potion into the middle of them. The vial was extremely fragile and when it broke, it created a stinging fog similar to dung bombs. He tensed. When the potion hit the ground, immediately, the Death Eaters began coughing and gagging, releasing their prisoners in favor of gagging.

Harry grinned and in moments had the intruders on the ground stunned. Hermione wiped her eyes and smiled at Harry before grabbing her wand from her tent and tying them up, one by one. Slowly unmasking them all as she went.

Just another day, but blast it if they hadn't gotten a great catch today, Ron thought smiling.

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End Chapter 2

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